(Editor’s Note: Every so often, we hear from our subscribers, who recommend a story that we find both compelling and topical. The story of Lex Clay is just such a story. Our subscriber told us that she just “had a great conversation with a young man who is doing some speaking (he is trans, having just competed as a very talented softball player at both Notre Dame and Tennessee). He would make for an interesting interview subject.” We thought so, too, so we reached out to Lex, whose accomplishments as a softball player can be found here: http://www.und.com/sports/w-softbl/mtt/clay_alexia00.html)
Question: As a youngster and as a young girl, did you try to play on sports teams, like baseball, that were populated by boys? If so, what was the response/reaction.
Answer: I started playing sports when I was young, my first being golf at the age of three. I was too young to play organized sports, so played basketball at home on our hoop with my dad and played catch and swung at pitches in the yard until I was five. I wanted to play baseball, but there was a girls’ softball league, so, I would not have been allowed to play and I knew my parents wouldn’t sign me up for it since there was an option for girls. Because of this, I played mostly on female sports teams, but in 4th grade, one of my best friends (a female) and I wanted to play pee-wee football. Surprisingly, there weren’t any issues (that I was aware of) in enrolling to play or playing and the coaches and guys were fairly accepting. I never heard too many of the players ever say anything derogatory or mean about us because my friend was very athletic and quick, while I was very big and very strong compared to the guys. We played Running Back and Right Tackle, respectively.
I look back on it now and am surprised there wasn’t more push back. The town in which I grew up is in rural Indiana, so boys were boys and girls were tomboys until a “socially acceptable age.” I know my parents were afraid of me playing with boys, but they never said that to me; I only overheard them say it to other people. And while that experience was a fairly positive integration, as I grew older, that was rarely the case.
In middle school, I was well on my way to being a successful softball player, as well as multiple sport athlete. During this time, guys would continuously make fun of me for practicing so much, put me down because I played a girl’s sport, and even made fun of me for being good or better than them. I know it was out fear because they did not want to be shown up by a “girl,” but it was still difficult not being accepted.
Q: At what point did you know that you would come out as transgender individual?
A: That was a particularly long journey. I knew from the age of three that I identified as male, but growing up where I did, that idea did not fit into the social schema. The only word I knew that existed to define remotely how I was feeling was gay, and that was only because of my attraction to women. Because of that, I tried to identify as a lesbian for the subsequent years, but it never felt right. I went to boarding school for high school and was able to more freely research about my identity and feelings. It was my freshman year when I first came across the term “transgender” and I knew that was me, but I was afraid to share that, as being gay still wasn’t completely accepted.
My senior year, I grew tired of people knowing me as the jock lesbian, so I entered our school’s spring speech contest and declared my identity for the first time publicly to many of my peers and teachers. After that, not being myself was agonizing, so I lived my life being myself as much as I could without transitioning. I decided to share my identity with only a few teammates and friends while at Tennessee. I feared that I would be discriminated against if I shared that information with the wrong people. When I left Tennessee, I was tired of not being open about my identity to people with whom I interacted regularly. Thus, not long into being at Notre Dame, I opened up to my teammates, my coaches, my friends, and even some of my professors.
I didn’t want to have a media related “coming-out” during my career mostly because I was afraid of what would happen to me and I’m generally a private person. Notre Dame is a private institution and I was not (still am not in that context) a protected class, so coming out could have resulted in me being kicked out, losing my scholarship, or coming under the lime light during a time that was already extremely difficult for me in many respects.
Q: Why did you make that decision?
A: As mentioned above, I came out because I couldn’t continue to feel like I was lying to the world about who I am.
Q: Describe your experience in college?
A: College proved to be not the most fun, but the most trying experience of my life. There were many elements of my identity (student, athlete, gender/sex) at play there and all of them were crushed throughout my time there.
As an athlete, I was recruited by most of the major programs in the country. During the recruiting process, I can recall some coaches saying they “don’t recruit lesbians” including one of my coaches at Tennessee, Ralph Weekly. It was terrifying and disheartening knowing that people thought that way and would not recruit certain athletes based on something other than their talent, but that happens all the time in women’s sports. Knowing that attitude still existed within the world of sports, it exacerbated the expected levels of stress any athlete undergoes (playing time, injuries, skill level, team politics) in a way that makes the experience extremely disheartening and often debilitating.
I had the same worries and stresses as other athletes, but nuanced with the fear of my value as an athlete was a direct reflection of my gender and sexuality. I did have success as an athlete in college, but it was not what I felt it should have been. I had a couple of athletically sub-par years because of the combination of stresses in my environment. I cannot say that my underperformance as an athlete was only related to how I was being treated due to my gender identity and sexuality, because it wasn’t, but that does not mean it was not a significant part of it.
Academically, I had always been an exemplary student. At Tennessee, I did not struggle with the upkeep of that identity, but I did shortly after I arrived at Notre Dame. It was not due to the rigor of the coursework, though they were rigorous. The stress of not being able to physically realize my gender identity, mending my relationship with my parents, potentially being on the receiving end of discrimination, the inability to see a happy life as a trans person after college, dealing with the depression and anxiety that subsequently followed and then managing the life and stress of being a student-athlete—it was too much and I let my academic curiosity and discipline slide. And it continued on this path in the following years at Notre Dame. This was extremely discouraging because another core part of my identity was gone. I was no longer a great student. I had let myself become mediocre, which for an over-achiever is the worst kind of failure.
On a personal level, college was also difficult. I chose to attend two of the most conservative university environments available to a person. But being in that kind of environment actually helped me forge my identity in a way that I don’t believe other environments could have. It forced me to be in situations that actually pushed my boundaries as to what was acceptable, and because many things were not, it gave me the courage to stand up for myself in ways that I would not have before.
Q: What was the response to the gender identity challenges you faced from fellow student athletes, coaches and administrators?
A: I had some surprisingly great experiences with people in regards to my gender identity, while, as you can imagine, others were less than ideal. Most of the athletes were supportive and accepting. I did not deal with many athletic administrators, but one was extremely supportive and helpful in helping me navigate some difficult situations. One experience I had with university administration was indirect, but of note. One of my friends had asked me to be a speaker at a freshman presentation for college campus issues.
They wanted me to speak about the LGBTQ experience and how a herter0-cisnormative person can navigate social situations with LGBTQ people. I told them that I would do it, but I would talk from a trans perspective, as that was how I identified. When they asked the administrator to approve me to speak, I was informed that being trans was “too confusing” and the university didn’t feel that it was a topic needing to be covered.
As for coaches, it was more difficult to pin down why I experienced certain challenges with them. A lot comes into play with the coach and player dynamic. While I do feel like I experienced discrimination because of my gender identity and/or sexuality, my relationship with them was strained due to normal coach/player relationship dynamics as well, so it was difficult to determine which actions were a result of each source. At Notre Dame, they did make some effort to make me feel comfortable. They gave me mostly men’s issue gear my last year, gave me a men’s ring for our tournament championship, called me Lex and published that name on our media. I really appreciated all of those things and that effort.
Q: What can college athletic directors learn from your experience?
A: While I don’t think every school will run into having a trans athlete, I think it is important that all of them are prepared for it. You don’t know where a trans person will be and it is an experience that should not be navigated without an outline in place because it can significantly affect the mental health and wellbeing of the athlete if it is mismanaged. I also think that administrators can open their eyes to the gross instances of misconduct and or discrimination in the athletic community as a whole. While I am trans and did not particularly enjoy my experience as a collegiate athlete, I am not the only person that this happens to. Replace trans with gay, racial minority, religious minority, etc. and it can describe many student-athlete’s experience depending on the school and the program. Student-athletes help give schools traditions, fans, notoriety.
They all deserve to be treated with respect and given the support they need to traverse the college journey into a fulfilling life after athletics.
